‘Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were.’
When it comes to boys, I have a long and very often complicated past. At times it’s a curse, and at times it’s a blessing. It’s not that I don’t like complicated, it’s what I learn from, but there are times I wonder when it all became so complicated. My first relationship was easy, we met, we went out and that was that. We were together for more than two and half years, and although it was hard on the both of us when I left for Paraguay for eleven months, we made it through. But our time had come. I’m not sorry we broke up, and we’re still friends. I wish it was that easy with this guy I like right now. I can hear my friends sigh and complain as I’m writing this, and they’re right. He’s made me cry, and he’s made me laugh. He has brought out the worst in me, but he’s also brought out the best in me. And I’m pretty sure he has no idea what I’m talking about when I say that he has made me see myself a little bit clearer.
We met in July 2011 at a language course. He was the coordinator and I was an English teacher. It was my first time and although he was familiar with the organisation, it was going to be his first time as a coordinator. His dad was part of the management, and they were unable to find a coordinator in time so he did his dad a favor. Those two weeks in July were hard, long and very tiring. But it was also heaven. We decided to meet up the last weekend of July before I had to start studying for my exams. It was a perfect end of the vacation. And from there it all went south. His life turned into a mess and I was too much to handle along with all the other stuff, so we (actually he) decided to take a break. I was heartbroken. But when he texted me in February (we hadn’t heard from each other in about 4 months) my mind went straight back to those two weeks and that weekend. And now I can finally get to my point.
I think this is what Marcel Proust had this exact situation in mind when he said: ‘Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were.’ Over time, the memories of him and me had time to take a certain shape and settle in my head. All the bad things went right out the window and because of the overwhelming goodness of the memories of him and me, I fell right back into love with him. I still haven’t seen him, and his life is still a mess, but I can’t change the feeling. Maybe I’m a fool and just in love with the idea of us, but I can’t take the risk. Because I’ve seen what we can become. And I’m pretty damn stubborn. I don’t know, maybe we’ll get there, maybe we won’t, maybe my heart will come to it senses. If that’s even possible. All I know is that right now, at this moment, I believe we can make it and I’m just gonna take it from there. And whether the memories influenced my feelings for him, or my feelings influenced my memories of him, it doesn’t really matter in the end. The feelings are there and that’s that.